Hello, my name is Karen Sparks. I am a survivor of filicide.  On November 1, 2015, my beautiful children, daughter Reagan (9) and son, Grant (8), were murdered by their father, who then took his own life and burned down our house, leaving a suicide note blaming me.  He had no history of mental illness.  But he revealed his true identity - a psychopath and monster.  After years of his manipulation, lies, and verbal and mental abuse I'd decided to remove my children from his narcissistic control for eleven years of marriage and file for divorce.  He murdered my beautiful babies to get revenge on me. 

My breath, my beating heart...my true loves were taken from me.

In an instant, my world was over. My children were dead.  The loves of my life were gone forever.  Reagan and Grant weren't given a choice to live out their lives; he chose for them. 

Stripped of my identity, I found myself staring at an empty void.  Was my life pointless?  Meaningless?  Who was I… who were my children?  Would anyone remember them if I was gone?  Why didn't I leave earlier...protect my babies?  Why didn't I die instead of them?  Where was God, who was supposed to protect my children in all of this?  

I was a dead woman walking.  My family intervened and checked me into a residential treatment facility for trauma, a "crazy house," so I thought before I entered, which proved to be the vehicle I needed.  There, I was forced to stare into the void of the aftermath and my loneliness.  I had to go deep, groan, scream, and face the darkness.  The deaths of Reagan and Grant and years of gaslighting and manipulation by my then-husband had turned me into someone I didn't recognize.  The process provided by the staff and friendships with residents at this facility slowly helped me to begin my healing process. 

I still scream into my pillow, cry in my car, yell at people I love, and at God.  But, I can say that I know God loves me and I have my faith and other outlets like running when the spiral of despair rears its ugly head.  I find joy in unexpected places.  I notice the "collateral beauty."  And I do laugh, thanks to friends.  That's why I'm writing this book.  I want to tell the world about my children and share my journey.  I am far from a perfect mom or person.  I don't claim to have all the answers, nor is this a self-help or guidebook.  I'm not seeking the spotlight, but I know my purpose now is to be open and honest, telling our story in its raw and real form. 

Reagan and Grant are the instruments of God's voice deep within my spirit.  They cheer me on and help me understand that my purpose is to choose to get out of bed and pursue hope because my heart now beats for three. They weren't given the choice to live, so I choose to live and finish our race.  This is where I find my breath and this is where I find my reason and my purpose to live.  R&G loved helping others - they had a heart for people. So,when I feel like I can't make it through another day; when I feel like losing it in the middle of the kid's section in Target; or when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing while writing this book -  I hear them telling me, "Mom, you have to tell our story because it will help someone." 

I will not let them down a second time.  Most days, choosing hope is overwhelming.  But, I know my kids wouldn't want me to quit.  They weren't quitters.  And for me to quit would mean they would die a second death.  So, I choose to keep running our race because one day my beautiful babies will be there cheering for me as I cross that final finish line and I hold them in my arms for eternity.  Until then,  my most important title will remain "Reagan and Grant's Mom."  I know that our love never ends and I choose hope.  

#LoveNeverEnds